Question: What do you get if you cross the Oscars with a chimpanzees' tea party? Answer: The British Soap Awards.
Throughout this feeble joke of a ceremony, the minor celebrity audience maintained a cacophonous wall of sound.
Like a bunch of superannuated school kids, they shrieked and wept until the mascara cascaded down their cheeks. The women were even worse.
At least most of the glad-to-beemployed actors who star in the nation's favourite melodramas don't take themselves too seriously. But, considering the far-fetched nonsense they churn out on a nightly basis, they have absolutely no right to take themselves seriously!
Something that passed Emmerdale journeyman John Middleton by as he delivered a po-faced speech patting himself on the back for "honouring the experience" of bereaved parents who have lost children to sudden infant death syndrome. Bursting with thespian pride, Middleton - known to hundreds as the village of the damned's vacuous vicar Ashley Thomas - accepted the prestigious Best Single Episode trophy on behalf of his illustrious colleagues. We were then treated to a risible clip of four grown adults wailing, sobbing and emitting guttural howls following the untimely demise of Ashley's TV baby Daniel.
The only genuine tragedy was the painful extravagance of their laughable performances. Emergency... get Over-actors Anonymous NOW!
In any case, EastEnders' sensational Christmas Day Max 'n' Stacey meltdown should have won.
But the British Soap Awards is a lottery in which C4 sideshow Hollyoaks disproportionately scoops a hatful of honours thanks to its super-keen legion of young fans who bother to vote.
And Corrie loses out because its older viewers have got better things to do than decide whether Liam is a sexier male than Emmerdale gargoyle Eli. Bucking the trend, Corrie heart-throb Rob James Collier held his gong aloft and dripped sarcasm as he said: "Thanks for this award that really reflects acting ability."
It goes without saying this two-hour bore-athon was hosted by the omnipresent Phillip Schofield and Fern Britton.
Does ITV have anyone else on its books? After Albert Square junior Jamie Borthwick triumphed in the Young Actor category for his portrayal of delinquent Jay, he told the unruly crowd: "My nan died two weeks ago. So I'd like to dedicate this award to her."
"Fantastic!" squealed Fern.
What, that his nan died?
Lifetime Achievement recipient Liz Dawn thrilled us by revealing her knickers were twisted. And Julie Goodyear twittered on about the "brilliant" casts who create "rounded characters who are so real". Is she watching the same shows as me?
The Very Unimportant People chosen to present the lumps of plastic were hardly A-list. After two unknowns from Primeval and some bloke who used to be in The League of Gentleman, we hit a low point when "human bear-baiter" (a judge's words, not mine) Jeremy Kyle slithered on for the Most Spectacular Scene slot.
They were going to call it Most Spectacular Stunt.
But with Kyle around, everyone would have assumed it was rhyming slang.
To Marrakech, where Sralan's performing idiots took their special brand of dim uselessness to a new level.
Touring this exotic city's vast market, ridiculous Raef "Cyclops" Bjayou declared: "This to me is grassroots negotiation. This is as dirty as it gets."
He was right. Soon, vile moron Michael Sophocles and lantern-jawed Jenny Celeriac were playing dirty tricks - offering a bemused tennis racquet stringer cash bribes not to help the other team. She turned them down. And the dire duo's crappy crew, ineptly led by "the best salesperson in Europe" Jenny Maguire, romped to defeat.
"We just f***ing nailed the blue cactus," roared rival project manager Lee McQueen as they all ran around like headless chickens in a race to buy 10 items. Talking of headless chickens, Celeriac and allegedly "half-Jewish"
Sophocles thought they could pluck poultry from a butchers' stall and make it kosher by having it blessed at the local mosque.
Yeah - that'll do it.
The hilarious Moroccan adventure was The Apprentice's finest, nastiest hour.
Back in the boardroom, bully boy Sugar viciously reduced the dumb wannabes to a pulp. Both Jennys were fired.
Neither Celeriac nor Sophocles had the faintest idea that kosher was a Jewish term. These know-nothing losers aren't chosen because they're the talented tycoons of tomorrow.
They're picked because they're all entertainingly stupid.
After a long decade of banging on about the "integrity" of designer homes, poor Kevin McCloud has gone the Big Brother route.
Bad idea! I enjoy clever Kev's excellent Grand Designs as much as the next jealous man.
But Grand Designs Live?
Wtf were C4 thinking?
A nightly reality contest between competing buildings simply didn't work. Nor did the baffling presence of self-styled expert-one very thing Janet Street Porter. No wonder this live dud died such a horrible ratings death.
Following last week's morally dubious but fantastically funny The Baron, Mike Reid (RIP) limped to electoral victory in the religious Scottish village of Gardenstown.
Banished for blasphemy, marvellous Malcolm McClaren barely featured in ITV's tedious finale. Pipping Suzanne Shaw to the post of Baron of Troup, EastEnders Mike vowed: "I'll try to take this little haven forward."
Perhaps the strain was too much.
More searingly topical satire from ITV1's dismal Headcases.
In a side-splitting sketch focusing on Prince Philip's distaste for "Kate Middleclass", the dreadful Duke was dressed like 40-year-old cartoon character Dick Dastardly. Stop this programme, stop this programme...
On Graham Norton's cracking BBC2 chat show Jimmy Carr revealed why he never offers his bus seat to damsels in distress: "I've always maintained I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing than a fat girl sitting down crying." Good policy.
So Ant and Dec have handed back their British Comedy Award after it emerged they only triumphed thanks to one of Lie-TV's traditionally dodgy phone votes.
How honourable. But now Catherine Tate's the winner. And she's not funny.
Running out of rubbish new games, ITV's atrocious Beat The Star saw hopeless host Vernon Kay breathlessly announce a "Flying Feathers" contest. It was badminton. And can we really classify swimmer Mark Foster as a star?
Over on C4's puke fest Come Di(n)e With Me, huge hairdresser Sam Mallett heaped praise on her rivals' cooking. Her comments ranged from "absolutely disgusting" to "I was nearly sick" to "the starter made me heave".
Nice.
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