Dear Dr Cath
Six months ago I left my boyfriend. He was always criticising me and putting me down until I felt lost and unable to stand up for myself. Despite his faults I loved him - and still do. He is now desperate to get me back. He says he's changed and I think I believe him. Am I mad for wanting him back after all the abuse he's given me?
All relationships have good moments and it's natural to miss these. And although you won't have enjoyed being criticised or rejected by your partner, you have learnt how to behave when somebody treats you that way - so in a crazy kind of way it probably feels comfortable.
Learning how to behave differently can be very hard - and you mustn't slip into the trap of wanting to go back into an abusive relationship because you feel you lack the strength to move on. You are strong enough to get over him, believe me. Write down all the reasons why the relationship was bad in the first place. Think of all the times you felt put down or lost.
Remind yourself of the reality and don't fall for the romantic notion that this man has changed. And if you do decide to give the relationship another go, get evidence that your ex's intentions are true before you take him back. Make sure he's admitted his faults and is actively trying to change his behaviour, with professional help if necessary.
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