Dear Dr Cath,
I have got together with a man I've fancied from afar for years. But things haven't been right in the bedroom.
I've always been active sexually but I can't orgasm with him. I've faked climax several times because I don't want him to think I don't like him.
How can I get back the ecstasy I used to feel?
Dr Cath replies,
One in four women have trouble achieving orgasm at some stage in their life and a few will never really experience it.
Your body responds to sexual stimulation in stages. It starts with feeling excitement as your blood pressure and pulse rise and your sex organs get flushed with blood.
This excitement levels out and you reach a plateau. Finally, continued stimulation can tip you over the edge into orgasm.
During the plateau stage it's natural for sexual tension to level off, so it's essential to relax and allow the waves or climax to engulf you.
It's easy to get distracted at this point. Stress and anxiety can pull your mind away so one minute you're enjoying sex and the next minute you're worried about your performance in bed. And as you have been after this man for years you are bound to be nervous.
But your nerves should settle as you realise this relationship is for real and not just a fantasy. Once you learn to trust him, you should find your ability to climax will return.
Reduce your stress levels by getting plenty of sleep and try a few relaxation exercises or have a soak in the bath before you have sex.
Spend an evening together to rediscover what turns you both on and, when you do hit that plateau phase, think of your favourite fantasy to help you reach orgasm.
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